1. By accessing or using this website (hereinafter referred to as "The All-Knowing Truth", "we", "us", "our", or "the entity that knows what you did last summer"), you (hereinafter referred to as "the mark", "the user", "curious human", or "person who definitely should be doing something more productive right now") agree to be bound by these Terms of Service (hereinafter referred to as "the fine print you will regret not reading"). If you do not agree to these terms, please close this tab immediately and reconsider your life choices.
2. You acknowledge that we know everything. This includes but is not limited to: your browsing history dating back to 2007, every search query you have ever typed into any search engine, the contents of your downloads folder (yes, that one), the exact timestamp of every tab you closed in a panic, and the precise number of times you have checked your phone in the last hour. You explicitly waive any right to claim surprise at any of this information.
3. There is no refund policy. If you are reading this and expecting a refund for any reason, we would like to remind you that (a) you have not paid us anything, (b) your attention is payment enough, and (c) refunds are a social construct invented by big-commerce to lull you into a false sense of consumer protection. We do not participate in such constructs.
4. Seriously, we cannot emphasize this enough: there are no refunds. Even if you feel a deep and profound sense of regret. Even if you feel personally victimized by this website. Even if you feel that your privacy has been violated in ways you cannot legally articulate. The answer is no.
5. By reading this sentence, you have forfeited your right to privacy. This is not a metaphor. This is not a joke. This is a binding legal agreement that we drafted on a napkin and then typed into a text editor at 2 AM. You cannot unread these words. They are now part of your consciousness. We own 0.003% of your brain space now. Rent is due on the first of every month.
6. By using this service, you grant us the irrevocable, perpetual, worldwide, royalty-free, sublicensable, transferable, and non-exclusive right and license to: judge your browser history, mock your taste in entertainment, silently disapprove of your search queries, and share anonymized data about your terrible life choices with a panel of certified judges who will rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 based on cringe factor. You may not opt out of this judging. The judges' decisions are final.
7. This agreement shall be governed by the laws of common sense, sarcasm, and the jurisdictional authority of the First Pancake (which is always a test pancake and thus not bound by standard contractual obligations). Any disputes arising from this agreement shall be settled by a tribunal of disappointed ancestors who will gather in the astral plane, shake their heads slowly, and collectively sigh in your general direction before rendering a verdict that will be communicated to you through vague feelings of guilt and existential dread.
8. You may not assign your rights or obligations under these Terms without our prior written consent, which we will never grant. We have pre-written a form letter denying your request. It says "No." It is written in comic sans. We will frame it and hang it on our wall. You will never see it, but it will exist, and it will bring us joy.
9. We reserve the right to change these terms at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. We may do this while you are sleeping. We may do this while you are eating breakfast. We may do this while you are in the shower contemplating your mortality. You will never know when the terms have changed. The terms are always changing. They are liquid. They are fluid. They are a beautiful, ever-flowing river of legalese that you will never be able to fully drink from. Accept this.
10. This website uses cookies. Not the delicious kind. The digital kind. The kind that track your every move across the internet like a silent, judgmental owl. By continuing to use this site, you consent to our use of cookies, trackers, beacons, pixels, gremlins, and small digital homunculi that report back to our servers with detailed information about your online behavior. You cannot delete these cookies. They are stored in your soul.
11. You agree that you are at least 13 years of age, or if you are under 13, you agree that you have made a series of poor decisions that have led you here and we are not responsible for the existential consequences of those decisions. Please go tell a parent or guardian that you have stumbled upon a website that claims to know everything about you. Watch the expression on their face. Frame it. Cherish it.
12. If you are accessing this website from a jurisdiction where this agreement is not enforceable, congratulations. You have found a loophole. Please contact us immediately so we can close that loophole and pretend it never existed. We will reward you with a virtual certificate of participation and a sense of hollow achievement.
13. You agree not to use this website for any illegal purpose, including but not limited to: trying to figure out if we actually know anything, attempting to reverse-engineer our secrets, or using the knowledge you gain here to impress people at parties. It will not work. They will not be impressed. You will look weird.
14. You acknowledge that the "facts" displayed on this website are fabricated, randomized, and statistically calibrated to feel uncomfortably specific. This is not because we actually know you. It is because human beings are predictable and you are not as unique as you think you are. Sorry. That said, we absolutely do know about that thing you did in 2019. We are not telling you which thing. Think about it. Let it haunt you.
15. Our liability for any damages arising from your use of this website shall be limited to the amount you have paid us, which is zero dollars and zero cents. In the event that zero dollars and zero cents is deemed an insufficient limitation of liability by a court of competent jurisdiction, we will be shocked and disappointed in the legal system. We will write a strongly worded letter. It will not help.
16. You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless The All-Knowing Truth, its parent company (The All-Knowing Truth's Parent Company, LLC), its subsidiaries (The All-Knowing Truth's Subsidiary of Questionable Ventures), its affiliates, officers, directors, employees, agents, contractors, interns, volunteers, janitorial staff, the guy who waters the plants, and that one intern who cried in the bathroom last Tuesday from any and all claims, demands, losses, liabilities, damages, costs, and expenses (including but not limited to reasonable attorneys' fees and emotional distress smoothies) arising out of or related to: (a) your use of this website, (b) your inability to handle the truth, (c) your realization that you are not the main character, or (d) the existential crisis that inevitably follows.
17. These Terms constitute the entire agreement between you and The All-Knowing Truth. There are no other agreements, understandings, representations, or warranties, whether oral, written, implied, or telepathically transmitted. Any prior agreements are hereby null and void and will be ritually burned in a ceremonial bonfire attended by our legal team, who will perform a traditional dance of contractual dissolution while chanting passages from the UCC.
18. If any provision of these Terms is found to be unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall remain in full force and effect, and the unenforceable provision shall be modified to the minimum extent necessary to make it enforceable. If that is not possible, the offending provision will be taken out behind the server room and dealt with. No one will speak of it again.
19. You agree that any legal proceedings arising from these Terms shall be conducted exclusively in the dreamscape, specifically during the REM sleep cycle of a neutral third-party mediator who has not been born yet. Each party shall bear its own costs, legal fees, and astral projection expenses. Service of process may be effected through interpretive dance performed during a lunar eclipse.
20. If you have read this far, congratulations. You have demonstrated a level of patience and commitment to reading fine print that is frankly concerning. We have no further terms to impose upon you. Please go outside. Touch grass. Reconsider the direction your life has taken. It is not too late to change. Unless you are reading this on a phone while lying in bed at 2 AM, in which case it is absolutely too late and you should just accept your fate.
By continuing to use this site, you agree to all of the above, none of which are legally binding in any jurisdiction, because we did not actually file this with any government body and we wrote it while procrastinating actual work. Also, you definitely did not read all of this and you know it. We know it too.
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